April 2010 Archives

I've been driving too much. In fact I've been driving so much I've gone through the mileage limit on my Mondeo and had to swap it with my colleague's Focus. I had a Focus Mk1 a few years ago and remember it with huge affection. It was a 1.6 Zetec and went down the Gloucestershire lanes where I lived like a puppy on a tiled kitchen floor. It was lots of fun. I loved it. I drove it a couple of times to Scotland from the Oxford and Tetbury and all over the south west. It rode smoothly and wasn't that noisy. It was relatively economical and I could get it serviced by anyone with a couple of spanners and a large hammer.

My current Focus is a Mk 2 LX with a TDCi engine and does a very good impression of a Massey Ferguson. The engine noise even at a cruise is too high. The ride is excellent but the seats have their non-adjustable lumbar support about an inch too low and now my back throbs. You can fart around and change the level of assistance the power steering gives you. I've not the least idea why. You have to guddle around in the car's settings to do it. There isn't a simple button like Fiat provides. It must have cost Ford money to develop this daft system. I'd rather that they spent money on better sound insulation which benefits all their customers all the time than pointless and difficult-to-use gimmicks.

Maybe all this is punishment for driving the Mondeo too much. I had a call this morning from my colleague who absolutely loves driving it. I can completely understand why. I'm going to miss it very much.

Horrible, isn't it? For those of you lucky enough not to know, this is a Citroen Xsara Picasso. It's parked precariously close to the edge of a cliff and there is no driver in this photograph because he's thrown himself off this very cliff. Picasso owners don't smile.

I can't be sure whether they don't smile because they drive a Picasso, or they drive a Picasso because they have no hope of joy in their lives. Whichever it is, in all the years that Citroen has been selling these things, I've never seen one with a smiling driver behind the wheel. I used to see the bemused smile of the Allegro driver all those years ago. I often see the smugly, self-satisfied smile on the excessively groomed face of the Porsche driver. I've seen smiles on the faces of the drivers of every single make and model of car apart from the poor wretches who drive Xsara Picassos. That's very sad.

I've heard it said that you only buy an MPV because you've given up. That's possible. Nothing says "Don't let life happen to me any more" quite like a Xsara Picasso. Quite how Citroen dealers sell them new any more is a mystery. Perhaps they use drugs. Or threats of violence. I can't think of a single reason to buy one of these instead of a C4 Picasso or a Berlingo other than the salesman threatening to shoot your dog if you don't. Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase 'car dealer.'